Thoughts on Facial Hair: The Third Chapter

As recent tradition has dictated, I grew a beard this winter that got pretty long. Partially out of laziness and partially out of fascination over how long my beard can grow, I let it continue to the point that I began to look like an 1800s gold prospector. Here’s what it looked like earlier this evening:

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But, with the recent move to a new state, there is the need to get a new driver’s license, and I didn’t want my ID pic for the next 5 years to look like a¬†headshot for a Mumford and Sons audition. So, it was time to shave the beard, but if you’ve followed the blog for several years, you know that I don’t like to just trim all that scruffy greatness without some fanfare. No, we’ve got to make an event out of this.

This year, as I shave away the beard, I’m mimicking stars of the past.

To begin, we’re going to go back to my childhood and look at one of the famous wrestlers of the 80s along with the unforgettable portrayer of Mario in the 90s afternoon Super Mario Bros. show. Without further delay, I give you Captain Lou Albano

IMG_20150303_194035150Captain Lou

Ok, so my hair isn’t nearly long or curly enough, and our body types don’t exactly match up, but maybe I need to try that rubber band thing on my next long beard.

Next on the list is one that was just an inevitability during one of these beard shaving events. This character’s facial hair is far more infamous even than his evil deeds. I’m of course talking about the evil genius Fu Manchu.

fumanchu

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This definitely didn’t look exactly like the original inspiration. First, the hair is obviously not coming straight from my mustache. There’s no telling how long it would take to grow mustache hair that long, but I don’t think I’m that patient. Second, my hair is very coarse, so there’s no way it’s going to get that thin and fine, no matter how much I try to wax it. Still, this one was pretty amusing.

Our next installment was from a request from my friend Justin. This one was dangerously close to my bare-knuckle boxer stache in the Original Thoughts on Facial Hair. Still, I can’t resist the change to think of turn-of-the-century baseball, so I indulged the Cap Anson mustache. Cap Anson was a star for the Chicago National League Team in the late 1800s and was arguably the best player of his era and would go on to manage and run the Chicago team that would later be call the Cubs. On the bad side, he was a terrible racist who was instrumental in the rules that would keep black players out of the majors for the next 50 years. So, while it’s hard to admire just about any white dude from the early 1900s without some complication, the mustache is pretty awesome.

Cap AnsonIMG_20150303_204003218

This one might be the one I got closest too. Maybe I should find one of those old rules baseball leagues and try out.

And, to close things out, there was only one more facial hair place to go. It is, of course, Charlie Chaplain’s Little Tramp. I mean, I guess I could have shaved a line down the center and done the Hitler mustache, but I’m not going anywhere near that.

The-Little-Tramp-charlie-chaplin-85240_250_338IMG_20150303_204957290

I could have used some black eye make-up and a vest and tie, but that’s what I found lying around the house. I did consider taking the potato and sweet potato slated for dinner tomorrow and using two forks to make legs and feet for a cute little dance on the dinner table, but I couldn’t figure out how to take a selfie with all those props.

And so, yet another year has passed and another beard has gone to the bathroom wastebasket. My chin looks tiny, and I’ve that young Abraham Lincoln jawline going on. It’ll seem strange the next morning at work, and when the cool ocean wind comes in, the chin skin will have to toughen up like the rest did a month ago. When I’m thinking, I’ll reach up to stroke my beard, realize it isn’t there anymore, and save face by just acting like my chin itches. Change just keeps on coming. ¬†Might as well have fun with it where you can.

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